Women & Self-Destructive Behaviors

by Andrea Brandt, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed a woman friend acting self-destructively and wondered why? Or perhaps you’ve observed a similar pattern in yourself and wanted to change it? When a woman is self-destructive, she engages in a pattern of behaving or thinking that is unproductive, as opposed to making self-enhancing choices. The good news is that you can grow out of personal destructiveness through increased self-awareness and some solid work on self-improvement.

A Learned Pattern

There are many reasons why a woman might fall into a self-destructive pattern. Many times, it is related to not having been given permission to have her feelings as a child. Or the woman’s parents may not have validated her feelings authentically during childhood. A parent may have demanded perfection, and therefore the woman can feel that she never quite measures up. And if there was violence or abuse in the home, she may blame herself rather than believing that her parents or another perpetrator would choose to violate her.

What’s Underneath the Behavior

Common self-destructive behaviors include:

• Drinking or eating oneself into oblivion
• Biting nails down to the nub
• Escaping life through a drug habit
• Shopping beyond what your budget would allow
• Having affairs outside your main relationship

Meanwhile, whatever the outward experience is, two patterns are likely to be going on inside the woman. These are self-loathing and negative self-talk.

Self-Loathing

It’s not comfortable to feel hatred for yourself. And so the self-destructive activities mentioned above become a route for avoiding feelings of self-loathing. The self-destructiveness enables a woman to gain distance from what’s really making her feel so terrible about herself. It allows her to escape a sense of powerlessness and helplessness.

For a woman with a trauma from her early life, self-loathing can come from feeling at fault for whatever happened. She may internalize the blame, and hate herself for not being able to prevent the earlier event. Such an issue could be incest or some other form of physical abuse in her childhood home.

Or a woman may feel overwhelmed by a current situation, and hate herself for not being able to handle it better.

Negative Self-Talk

Having uncomfortable feelings, including the self-loathing, can push a woman into negative self-talk. Not knowing what to do with difficult emotions, she will say things to herself in her mind like: “I’m so stupid… look at what I just did” or “I’m such an idiot... I never learn.” The self-criticism is undeservedly harsh. And it often leads her to feeling more down and inadequate, and more undeserving and ineffective. In some cases, the negative self-talk can get so bad that the woman will become clinically depressed or even suicidal.

Growing Out of Self-Destructiveness

How can you move beyond self-destructiveness? Here are five basic steps:

1. Take the bad and ugly with the good. One of the first things a woman can do is realize that we all have both good and bad sides to us. Take some time to think or journal about your personal strengths and weaknesses. Notice that other people have both positive and negative aspects to them too.

2. Learn to sit with your negative feelings. One day, I was a few minutes late for an appointment. The client was so upset that she picked up the clock in the room and threw it at me. I suggested that the next time this woman got triggered, she could take a few minutes to just “be” with her anger - rather than immediately choosing to act it out. Once the clock was thrown, she had only given herself more ammunition to fuel both her self-loathing and negative self-talk. But she could have chosen to act differently.

3. Practice mindful meditation when you feel out of sorts. Sometimes we have uncomfortable feelings that we can’t quite pin down specifically. Yet they could still push us into self-destructive behavior, self-hatred and mental self-abuse. Instead, at these times, it can be helpful to check in with yourself as you sit in a relaxed manner in a chair. Breathe slowly in and out (paying attention to your internal experience, not your external world) and ask yourself: “How am I feeling?” “What’s going on with me?” See what feelings and thoughts surface. What wisdom is there? What are you trying to tell yourself?

4. Allow yourself to “get out there” and take risks. There’s a saying that goes: “Don’t be afraid to do something. Remember that the common people built Noah’s ark, and professionals built the Titanic.” The only way we grow in life is to let new experiences come into our lives. Learn more about who you are by jumping into life and doing new things. To grow, you’ll need to take chances and permit yourself to make some mistakes.

5. Get professional help if you want or need it. Though it is safe to feel our feelings, some women prefer to get more in touch with themselves with the help of a therapist. A professional can teach you how to connect and experience your feelings during your sessions, so that you can later do this for yourself.

A Common Problem

Self-destructiveness does not affect just one type of woman. In my practice, I see it very often among my clients. The woman may be gay and have difficulty dealing with the hard time society is giving her for this gender preference. She may be a homemaker who feels inadequate because of not doing more. Or she could be a professional woman who is facing a setback in her career and is therefore getting down on herself. The woman may be struggling with leftover issues from her childhood, in addition to one of these other concerns.

Yet though mindful attention, a woman can grow into healthier patterns. The work starts with working on self-acceptance, seeing your beauty as well as your warts. Then the lessons revolve around learning to accept your feelings. Next is developing skills to deal with feelings and situations in new ways.

With time, you can leave much of your self-destructiveness behind. You can move forward in life, knowing that you can now support yourself in positive ways.

‘TIS THE SEASON . . . FOR STRESS AND SADNESS

10 Ways to Keep Your Holidays from Unwrapping

The holiday season is meant to be a happy time. But not everyone will have a Norman Rockwell one. For many, the holidays represent a time of heightened stress and sadness. While it may be impossible to completely remove either, there are things you can do before and during the season to help make them easier to handle.

Stress

Presents to buy, events to attend, meals to prepare, the holidays are one of the few times of the year when everyone is seemingly thrown into a frenzy of activity. With more people out in the stores and at get-togethers, the opportunities for stress increase as well.

“You need to ‘slow it down’ so you can become aware of the feelings motivating your stress so you can better navigate the holiday season,” says Dr. Andrea Brandt, M.F.T. Whether it’s finding a parking space or spending days at a time with an unpleasant relative, you have the power to reduce—and even prevent—the stress this unique time of the year can bring by taking the following simple steps:

• Plan ahead. Get your calendar out early and plan the events that you will host, participate in or attend, and even when and how you will do your shopping, cleaning, travel, etc. Planning ahead will reduce the amount of last-minute adapting you have to do.
• Schedule time for yourself. Make yourself a priority. Relaxation and time to do things that you enjoy will let you refuel and also avoid resentment of others asking for your time when your schedule is busy.
• Don’t take things personally. Remember that this time of the year means higher stress for most people. The friend that doesn’t come to your party, or the salesperson who is curt with you isn’t acting toward you specifically, but rather as a result of their own personal situation. Don’t internalize the words and actions of others—they’ll only slow you down and turn up your stress.
• Be honest with yourself. If you know that spending the holidays with your family always includes some type of negative or stressful interaction, be honest with yourself and acknowledge that. Don’t let false expectations like “maybe he/she will be different this year” set you up for disappointment and increased stress. Know what to expect, think about why it bothers you (or if it really even should) and then make a positive plan for dealing with that situation when it arises.“Setting boundaries with a disgruntled relative or your own loving significant other is important in terms of preventing stress and anger,” says Dr. Brandt. “If you’re not taking care of yourself, there’s no way you’ll be able to take care of anyone else.”
• Be realistic. It’s easy to over-commit and over-schedule yourself, leading to feelings of frenzy, frustration and stress. Don’t fall victim to “superhero syndrome” by trying to do everything because you said you would, or feel guilty about telling people no—remember, the holidays are for your enjoyment, too.

“By ‘slowing it down’ you can better experience your feelings, your passion and take charge of your life,” says Dr. Brandt.

Sadness

If the holidays are usually a sad time for you, or you’re facing your first holiday season after a divorce or the passing of a loved one, there are things you can do to not only cope with, but also replace, some of the sadness.

• Redefine your holiday. There’s no rule that says holidays are only valuable if they are spent sitting down to dinner with a family. If that’s not a feasible (or desirable) option for you, find your own holiday activity. Check your area for local organizations hosting special events or dinners and use them as an opportunity to meet new people.
• Put a new spin on old traditions. Death or divorce doesn’t have to mean the end of special holiday traditions. If it’s one you enjoy, continue it in honor of the person who has passed away, or give it a new twist to claim it for yourself and represent a new beginning.
• Celebrate yourself. Holidays are often time for reflection on the past year. What positive things happened in your life? What accomplishments did you make? There’s even positive to be found in the negative events. What did you learn from them? Have you been able to help others through your experience? The loss of a loved one can mean being thankful for the time you did have them in your life, or appreciation of the things that they taught you that live on in you. A divorce—even one you didn’t want—can mean the start of a new chapter in your life.
• Don’t go it alone. Again, holidays aren’t just for families. An outing with a friend, or an afternoon of volunteering can be great ways to “get out of your own head” for a while.
• Don’t hide it. If you are feeling sad or lonely, don’t hide it just because it’s the holidays. Call a friend or family member, or make an appointment with a therapist to talk about how you’re feeling. If your instincts tell you that you’re feeling bad enough before the holidays, consider getting some help beforehand to get feedback and learn some tools that might help you cope better when the time comes.

For both stress and sadness, Dr. Brandt highly recommends something many people don’t consider—spending time with children. “Children are a wonderful way of keeping you joyful and in the “here and now,” she says.

Whether it’s stress or sadness that you’re facing, by paying attention to your feelings and preparing yourself with simple steps like these, you can be well on your way to making this holiday season a happy one.

Anger is a very difficult emotion for most people to experience. They go to great lengths to avoid feeling their anger. They repress it; they create drama and unnecessary problems all to avoid the discomfort of their anger.

I believe we need to learn how to "live with anger" in order to successfully navigate thru our lives. So what does "living with anger" really mean?

For starters, it means we feel it; we experience it; we gain clarity and understanding from it; and we use our energy and understanding to reach some constructive resolution to our problem. We learn that anger can be a healthy response to situations or we can use it destructively and create more problems than we presently have.

Ideally, we understand that "living with our anger" is an on-going process. This means that long after we begin the road to recovery, it's only natural that we may be reminded of our troubled feelings and experience them many times with a greater or lesser intensity, depending on the triggering event. Feelings can be rekindled as a result of a current relationship, anger in the workplace, or someone from your past walking back into your life again. The good news is that, since "living with anger" is an on-going process, each time we experience our anger we know more of what to do and we are armed with more of life's tools to help us deal with this emotion.

While one can't always change the situations or people that upset us, we can learn to change the way we react to them. In other words, we can change the way we "live with anger." For some, the following may serve as a reminder and reaffirmation to how we can use anger constructively. Here are some great tools to try by the Relationship Institute in Michigan:

1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy," and visualize a relaxing experience.

2. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" to think things thru for yourself. Get out of the room, and go out for a brief walk around the block, for example.

3. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people can sometimes think negative and harmful thoughts about themselves or others. Recognize that you are angry and remind yourself of what good can come from this experience.

4. Communicate directly after calming down - Sometimes anger can lead to erroneous assumptions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. When talking about your feelings, be careful not to blame others and listen attentively to what they have to say before answering.

These tools help us "live with anger" in a more responsible way. They can help us center ourselves and strengthen our relationships.

The difference between a person who knows how to "live with anger" and an angry person is the fact that the person that lives with anger experiences their emotions, acknowledges and accepts them. So they can feel their anger or sadness and apply the learned anger skills to confront these emotions and move on.

Here is an example that illustrates my point: Tom and Sally are friends. Tom is recently divorced and Sally has been divorced for three years. When dealing with their ex-spouses, they react differently. Tom is having a hard time confronting his ex-wife during the divorce proceedings. Sally has always had trouble with her ex-husband's flakiness. She continues to argue with her ex-husband about committing to important school dates for their five-year-old son instead of his bailing out because he has to work late.

Tom needs to spend some time outside the courtroom to deal with his emotions and learn that it is okay to feel angry. For Sally, she knows it is okay to be upset and points it out to her ex-husband. She doesn't have to remind him of "this is why I divorced you in the first place," but instead she faces her ex-husband and deals with her anger at the moment. Sally gives her anger the respect it needs and lives with it.

It's also encouraging to know that survivors of anger have developed skills that have strengthened their character to face other conflicts in their life. But it takes a lot of time for the changes to become habitual. For Sally, with the help of a therapist, she's learned to develop the skills to confront the source of her frustrations and apply them elsewhere in her life, like listening to her friend Tom. Being divorced herself, Sally is empathetic to Tom's feelings and can offer her experience to help him in his time of stress.

It can be empowering for us to know that it is normal for individuals to have feelings rekindled years later from a traumatic experience. It's okay to have our ups and downs. It's another case when we feel bad all the time. If Sally were to have long periods of anger or Tom fell into depression, it is a time to consider seeking professional help from a counselor, therapist, or advisor. Seeking help from a professional can facilitate their process of feeling their anger and frustrations so they don't have to get stuck in the "victim" role.

Anger can also be a smart expression and reaction to the vicissitudes in our lives. When we learn to live with our anger, we can then give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and for the rest of the world.

So if you feel yourself getting angry again after this winter's reconciliation with family, friends, or co-workers, experience it and embrace it . . . next time the anger is triggered, it may not be so intense!

Table of Contents

1.Our goal
2.If You're Angry

The Anger Zone Newsletter is published quarterly. Our goal is to provide you with helpful tools and strategies to manage anger and other emotions more effectively in your daily life. We will publish articles from time to time about real-life situations to give you a sense of how to manage your situation using these tools and strategies.

If You're Angry

W rite it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don't mail.

S hout it out. Roll up the windows in your car, or put your head in a pillow and scream. This will help you to drain some of the negative energy out of your body.

T alk it out. It's important when you're angry to develop your own personal support system. Talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.

R e-examine your "core beliefs." Often anger is based on something, which we believe is based on an observation from early childhood. The fallacy in this thinking is that as we grow older, our beliefs and decisions can become outdated.

T ake responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. It is rare that both partners are exactly equal in the break up of a marriage, or even more rare in which one partner is solely at fault.

D o some personal growth work. Anger is a great motivator towards action, and it can propel you to take steps in your life to change situations.

L earn what "pushes your buttons." Try to understand your anger-and what triggers it-before you express it.

P rotect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation for support. Don't poison their minds against your ex.

K eep conflicts at a moderate level. The other person will often match your level of intensity; choose your battles carefully.

U se "I-messages" when expressing anger. Say "I fell disappointed when you don't call." Don't say, "You stupid idiot, you're always late!"

G ive yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage. The healing process takes about two years. If you handle your emotions successfully, you'll be in a more powerful position. When you don't take the time to heal you risk becoming vulnerable to your ex-spouse.

Forgiveness Forgiveness is essential for healing. When you let go of the angry, hurtful feelings and access the love and caring that is in your heart, you will experience wholeness. You must forgive in order to heal fully. Forgive; let go; move on. Own your responsibility for the break up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck.

Table of Contents

1."He Said.She Said"

The Anger Zone Newsletter is published quarterly. Our goal is to provide you with helpful tools and strategies to manage anger and other emotions more effectively in your daily life. We will publish articles from time to time about real-life situations to give you a sense of how to manage your situation using these tools and strategies.

"He Said.She Said"

M any of us bristle when we hear "conflict." Some people thrive on it, but most of us take detours to avoid it. Why do we do this? If we had techniques to help us deal with conflict, perhaps we'd be better equipped to compromise while being true to our position.

One of my clients is dealing with a difficult situation and struggling to find a way to resolve the conflict within her before it destroys her marriage. Lilly is a hard-driving attorney with a successful practice. Her husband, David, is an equally successful writer, who is struggling to find his voice. He is a little burned out, and he's decided that he needs to take some time to regenerate. In his fantasy world, Lilly would take time out from her career, and together, they would find some time to enjoy life again.

Unfortunately, Lilly isn't on David's time frame. She's at a crucial point in her career, and she believes that it is very important to stay on track. She understands David's need to recharge, and she has given him permission to take a time out. The problem is that David is beginning to feel hurt because Lilly works at least 12 hours a day. He's tried to be rational, but it hasn't worked. He resents Lilly for paying attention to her career, and, in his mind, deserting their relationship for the sake of her profession.

Lilly senses David's resentment, and she is beginning to feel the stress of trying to appease him while continuing to manage her overloaded work schedule. The situation is dangerously close to exploding into a full-fledged conflict.

David and Lilly need counseling to resolve their differences. Lilly is the avoider, and David is so frustrated that he is ready to deal with the situation. There are many techniques that could help both of them face the conflict and work toward a peaceful solution.

We'll explore some of the following techniques in detail.

• Active Listening
• Apology
• Mediation
• Empowerment
• Forgiveness
• Ground Rules
• Negotiation Strategy
• Anger Management
• Brainstorming
• Empathy

If you suspect that some of the conflicts in your life are being caused by an anger situation, take a look at the root cause and look for ways to channel your anger in a positive way. See http://theangerzone.com for more detailed information about anger management and resources that can help you.

Table of Contents

1. Anger and Gener Expression

The Anger Zone Newsletter is published quarterly. Our goal is to provide you with helpful tools and strategies to manage anger and other emotions more effectively in your daily life. We will publish articles from time to time about real-life situations to give you a sense of how to manage your situation using these tools and strategies.

Anger and Gener Expression

"W omen don't have problems with anger--- they just manage it differently," stated June Tangney, professor of psychology at George Mason University. When a woman and a man get angry, its not necessarily the case that women get more angry than men or that men get more angry than women. However, when women and men get angry it reflects a process of gender socialization, more specifically, it is how men and women have learned to understand and cope with anger.

In the context of a dictionary, anger is defined as a feeling. In a social context, anger is defined as a reaction according to specific gender stereotypes. For the most part, when women are angry they are classified as irrational and frenzied. A stereotypical scenario for women is when a woman gets mad and she cries. This may be interpreted as emotional and irrational. Whereas men's anger is sometimes recognized as strength and aggressiveness. An example of the stereotype for men is when a man gets angry and gets into a fistfight. This can be interpreted as not having fear and being aggressive. Hence, gender is a powerful influence on the way society understands and interprets anger.

According to a poll conducted for Girls, Inc in 2000, from over 2,000 students in grades 3 through 12, 63% of both boys and girls believe that girls are under pressure to please everyone and 56% say girls are expected to speak softly and not cause trouble. Generally speaking, for girls, this stereotype warns them to stay away from the loudness of anger. In order to be a "good" girl then a person has to be soft spoken and avoid anger. For a boy it is the contrary. He has to be more aggressive and louder than girls to reinforce his sexuality as a male. Bullying, attacking and intimidation are their resources for conflict resolution. Yet this double standard restricts both boys and girls.

If the sexist stereotypic roles are endorsed then it is gender that dictates relationships with anger into adulthood. It is no surprise that in expressing their anger women tend not to be as aggressive as men and tend to talk about their anger more. For instance, when a woman gets upset with her husband about leaving his dirty clothes on the floor when he changes, she will talk about how this is bothering her and how it is not just her responsibility to pick up after him. On the other hand, there is a tendency for men to express their anger in the form of physical aggression, passive aggression and to impulsively deal with their anger. When he gets mad, for example, because he feels his wife won't let him do what he wants in his own home, he may simply walk away mumbling.

From both perspectives in the previous examples, the man and woman's actions to anger may not necessarily resolve the anger but simply perpetuate it by their reactions according to the specific gender stereotypes. In other words, the man nor woman see the opposite's point of view as it is but see the other's reason for anger according to gender stereotypes. From the husband's perspective, he may see his wife's action as nagging. From her perspective, she may see her husband's action as being passive aggressive by ignoring her. But neither, during their argument, understand the other's perspective and reason for anger. Both husband and wife react to the other's anger according to the gender stereotypes. Thus, sexist stereotypic roles are endorsed in this example.

Yet this is not to say that there aren't exceptions to the stereotypes. In fact, as more women and men take on non-traditional roles, the gender social stereotypes have been changing. With models of women as Hilary Rodham Clinton or even on TV, such as the character of Murphy Brown, women are gradually being disassociated from the traditional social roles of compliancy and seen as taking charge and being more "aggressive." For men, society has come to see and accept more men playing the role of the homemaker, single fathers or simply sharing more household responsibilities with their spouse, including being involved in same sex marriages.

However, there are some individuals that may convey anger utilizing varying degrees of rage, while other individuals are angry very quietly. Anger as rage can be both destructive and violent to all the persons involved in the argument, including innocent by-standers such as children. For example, children may be riding in the back seat of a car when an argument between their parents breaks out. Not only do the children witness the harsh words being passed back and forth between their parents but they also feel the anger and, as a result, are affected by it.

Passive anger such as the silent treatment or withholding cooperation can be more destructive than more aggressive acts such as verbal and physical (non-violent) outbursts. For instance, when a person gets upset by their significant other, that person may swallow their anger in order to not hurt a loved one. Swallowing one's anger can cause problems over time. In turn, the anger simply gets buried alive. Over the course of time, the pressure of anger can accumulate and lead to a great eruption of rage and, more commonly, the individual may also suffer physical consequences. Buried anger can cause ulcers, heart disease, hypertension, headaches, back pain, depression, guilt and fatigue. Needless to say, our emotional health goes hand in hand with our physical health.

Nevertheless, "getting angry" is a means by which to express anger and can be used as a positive force in a person's life. A reaction to anger can also be a means of coping with it. By getting angry, a person exerts feelings that have been building inside. For those who hold in anger there is a need to vent their emotions and a need to find a safe and appropriate way to release them, regardless of their gender. Some take on painting, while others choose kickboxing to express their anger. The point is to find a non-violent way to express the anger so as not to perpetuate the expression of violence, as in kicking the walls or destroying property, and to have some time to think things through before saying something that can be more hurtful and harmful to the relationship in question.

So does one sex get angry more than the other? It is a question that requires a closer look into social stereotypes that have long been influential in how men and women interpret, understand and cope with anger. As social stereotypes change and social roles revolutionize, so does our social understanding and interpretations of anger. In short, it is not one gender that gets angry more than the other. It simply depends on the individual.