Managing Anger-When there is No One to Share the Pain

Did you know that according to the Census Bureau, 40 percent of never-married women in their 30's have a child? In 1970 there were 3.4 million single mothers in the United States, and now there are almost 10 million. And, single mothers face the same problems as couples-lack of day care and family issues.

In addition, single parents face many more decisions and feelings alone. So it becomes even more important to learn how to express healthy anger that will prolong and increase the quality of life. Conversely, if you repress your anger, it can shorten your life. To help you understand the impact of anger in your daily life, I've divided this article into two areas: Underlying factors that sabotage relationships; and Tips on how to diffuse anger and create intimacy with the important people in your life.

Repressed Anger. Since birth, we have all known how to get angry-it was built into our nervous system. Interestingly, our anger primal anger was not viewed as a negative emotion, and it actually bonded us to our caregivers. This all changed as we grew up and learned from people in our environment that anger was scary, hurtful, unacceptable and to be avoided at all costs. So, when we repressed our anger (and other deeper emotions), it got buried alive, ready to sabotage our relationships at any moment.

Lack of Healthy Anger or Inability To Express Anger. Anger is a healthy emotion and helps us navigate through life. We use it for physical protection, as a survival technique and to help us define who we are by establishing boundaries between others and ourselves. If we learn to express anger in a healthy way, it can open the door to a new level of understanding. Our children and friends will get a glimpse of our human side and this usually creates intimacy. When we lose touch with our natural anger or hold it back, we lose our voice, a part of our assertive self, and become powerless.

"Acting Out" Sexually. Sex is a way to get close-not a reward for being close. We can use the power of sexuality to increase our love for one another and to grow together. In the early stages of a relationship sex is great. Then, couples move in together, get married and begin leading complex lives. This is especially true of blended families, or if just one of the partners brings children to the marriage. The practical side of life somehow manages to take over. Anger begins to develop, sex becomes less frequent, even power struggles get acted out in the bedroom, and now the relationship doesn't seem as easy as it was before.

Family Myths. "Acting out" sexually can be a symptom of the myths and misconceptions from our childhood. For example, a myth about anger might be "Good girls don't get angry-it's not ladylike." Or, the myth about relationships-that sex can only happen if communication is good, respect is high, there is no fighting and romance is in place. These myths limit our ability to be spontaneous, loving, truthful, and therefore, to be intimate with our friends and significant others.

Ambivalence-Fear of Loss, Abandonment, Skin Contact. It is hard for many women to acknowledge ambivalence because they want to be in a relationship. Yearning for the pleasures of a relationship and being scared to death of the possible hurt and abandonment are results of childhood memories of the first relationship of our life-the one with our parents. These memories include being hurt, abandoned, being smothered, or simply being criticized all the time. So, when we start relying on our partner by getting close and dependent, our unconscious fear is the same thing will happen.

Inner Voices. The last underlying factor is the pain created by our own inner voices-the little voice that doesn't want us to trust anyone or to get close and sounds very much like the voice from one of our parents or our younger self. In essence, the voice is saying, "Don't let your guard down-he or she will hurt you." I'm sure you've all had this experience.

Now that I've given you some insight on factors that can sabotage relationships, here are some tips to help you diffuse anger and create intimacy.

Mirror or Reflect. Paraphrase or say back to the speaker in his or her words what you have just heard. Then ask the speaker if you heard them correctly or not.

Validate. I usually use an expression like, "That makes sense to me from your point of view," or "I can see how you could feel like that." Validation does not mean that you are agreeing with your partner or friend, but that you are letting them know that you understand their point of view.

Empathize. Step into the other person's shoes for a moment and try on the situation he or she is telling you about. Try to sense what it must feel like to them, and then step out of their shoes and say, "What you just told me must make you feel very sad, or angry or hurt, or excited or apprehensive."

Turn Complaints into Requests. Learn to take an optimistic viewpoint to situations. For instance, suppose that you are in the waiting room of your doctor's office, and you have been waiting for over an hour to see him. In the mean time, several people came in after you and have already been called in for their appointment. Instead of getting angry, turn your anger around and find out why you haven't been called in. It could be an emergency that has delayed your appointment.

Plan Ahead. Think about the occasions that turn your normal good humor into angry and uncomfortable situations. For instance, you know that there will be tensions at a family dinner or holiday party that you can't control. You always feel uncomfortable and never want to be a part of the game. Instead of getting angry and ending up in the middle of the situation, plan ahead for the event and vow to keep your emotions in check.

Time-Out. The next time that you are angry and can't seem to control the situation, or your temper, take a "time-out." Think about what's happening, and if you can, try to see the other person's point of view. Then, take a "time-in," to discuss the issues. This approach helps to diffuse the anger.

Deep Breathing. Along with a time-out, try deep breathing. Close your eyes, and take some deep breaths, focussing on exhaling. Try to relax every part of your body. These techniques will help you through the "anger" moment and give you some time to view the situation a little more clearly, and from a distance.

Forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. The goal is your own personal freedom. Name the hurt, then claim it. Label where you need to and be sure you can separate it out into whose responsibility it was. Find a way to undo the injury. Try to recover what was lost, if possible. Choose to forgive so that you can let go of the past and live better in the present.

It is estimated that we get angry at least 15 times a day because of an unmet expectation. Anger arises when the expectations we've placed on ourselves or others are too high. So, think about developing realistic goals, and don't expect too much of anyone, including yourself.

And finally, develop a support system with friends who will help you process your anger so that you can gain a clearer understanding of the situation.

In closing, I'd like to quote Stephen Levine, a well-known author; "Nothing cultivates love as much as the willingness to investigate anger."

Dr. Brandt has been practicing Psychotherapy since 1976. She specializes in women's issues, life-style changes, therapy for couples and anger management. In addition to the anger workshops that she has been conducting for seven years, she also runs groups and workshops on various issues. Check for her next anger workshops.. For more information on Dr. Brandt's workshops, call 310-828-2021.

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